breathing hope into me
by Music of the wind
Summary: Carlisle has a really bad day at work. He comes home thinking he's a monster for wanting to turn a tiny baby. Can his family prove him wrong.


_**Breathing hope into me**_

_You are a beautiful contraction set apart for such a time is there. While all around you give in to their addictions you strike a balance of time. Do you even know? Can you even see? Who you are exemplifies a miracle to me._

Esme sat in the kitchen waiting for her husband to come home. She didn't know why but something told her that something wasn't right. Jasper came downstairs and touched his mother's shoulder. He could feel the stress that she was giving off.

Esme felt the calming waves being sent her way and smiled at her son. She still hoped that her fears and feelings of dread were unnecessary. Tears she couldn't shed burned in her eyes. She blinked and took a breath even though she didn't need to.

Jasper sighed "I'm sure he's fine mom. He would have called if there was trouble. Alice didn't see anything in his future out of the ordinary. He'll be home in an hour."

Esme nodded "I know you are right. I just can't shake this feeling that something terrible has happened. Victoria is still out there, what if he crosses paths with her?"

Jasper started to open to his mouth when Carlisle came through the door. He walked past Esme without even looking at her. Jasper felt his father's strange emotions and gasped at how intense they were. He tried to send calming waves but Esme touched his arm "Jasper I'll talk to him. Go see if Edward picked anything up in his thoughts."

After Jasper left Esme went to her husband's study and knocked on the door. Carlisle opened it and then sunk into a chair. It pained her to see her better half suffering like this. Gently she stroked his blonde hair away from his face "Had a bad day? Tell me about it please."

Carlisle moaned "The worst day of my life! A baby girl died in my arms today. She was an orphan. Her mother died in childbirth about a month ago and her father died of a heart attack. I was sure that she wouldn't make it through her first year but she proved me wrong. She called me daddy before she died. I feel so lost."

Esme put her hand to her husband's cheek "It wasn't your fault. You did more for her then anyone else did or could. You loved her. Honey, love is the strongest medicine there is."

Carlisle dry sobbed into his hands "I almost bit her Esme. Her blood smelled so sweet, I wanted so badly for her to live. God forgive me for my foolishness. I almost created an immortal child. I'm such a monster!"

Esme climbed into her husband's lap and stroked his blonde hair "You are contradicting yourself. You aren't a monster for wanting to save someone. I love you so much Carlisle. I don't think you could understand for a fraction of second. When I woke up in that hospital mortuary, I wasn't afraid because in front of me was my own personal miracle. You saved my life without a thought. I've never doubted a second of my life or love with you."

Carlisle frowned at his wife. She didn't understand every principle his family was built on was about self control. He opened his mouth to say something when Edward came into the study "Carlisle you have more control then all of us together. It is how you are able to be who you are; all of us have either slipped up or almost slipped. I gave in to my addiction at one point. You never have that makes you a sense of balance for this family. We all need you Carlisle"

_Your strength and your restraint echo in each choice you make. Taught by all that's light and all that's dark; you've seen the best. You've seen the worst. Even though it hurts you understand the part that you have to play._

Several hours later Carlisle sat alone in his study thinking about what his family said. Deep down in his heart he knew that they were right. He had made a choice in that hospital room. He could have taken the risk of creating an immortal child but he had chosen not to put his family through the dangers of that choice. Instead he had chosen to hold the child and make her feel safe into the end. In all the years he'd been practicing medicine he'd seen a lot of things.

He'd seen both patients and their families through the good and bad times. He'd been there for the excitement and miracle of child birth. However been a doctor didn't come without having to be the candle in a dark room. For just as many births as he'd seen he had to hold a mother's, wife's, father's, son's, or daughter's hand while they sat at a dying family member's bedside. He prayed with them even when things looked helpless.

It was times like this when he wished that he could cry. Seeing that little girl fade away in his arms broke his heart. He kept replaying the moment over and over in his head that made him both smile and want to cry at the same time.** Flashback: Carlisle held the tiny weak infant in his arms. He wished more then anything that he could do more for her. Her mother had lived long enough to give her the name Grace.**

**A nurse came in when he was holding her "Doctor Cullen, we need you in delivery room five. A mother is having twins."**

**Carlisle tickled Grace's tummy and kissed her cheek "I'll be right back. You just stay here and get strong ok?"**

**When Carlisle came back to the intensive care floor nurses and doctors were crowded inside of the room. He felt his own dead heart break when he heard a doctor call "Clear!"**

**Carlisle pushed past the doctors and rushed over to the crib Grace was in. He picked her up and softly whispered "Sweetheart you've come such a long way. Don't quit on me now. Daddy loves you."**

**The nurses stopped trying to remove Grace from his hands and just stared at him. They knew that he had been attached to this patient but they had idea he wanted to adopt her. One nurse asked timidly "Doctor Cullen did you plan on adopting Grace?"**

**Carlisle nodded slowly he feared that his voice would break. Once he had control he sighed "My wife and I have always wanted a baby. I already signed the adoption papers. I was planning on telling her tonight."**

**Another voice interrupted "She's unresponsive. Doctor Cullen do you want to call time of death; or should we try again?"**

**Carlisle held Grace close to his chest and was quiet for a long time. Then he heard a very faint heartbeat. Relief flooded his voice when he said "She's still with us. If she fades again don't bring her back. It's not our place to decide who lives or dies."**

**The doctors and nurses cleared the room leaving Carlisle alone with Grace. He stared into her warm brown eyes and said "I love you baby girl. You don't have to fight if you aren't able to. Daddy is going to be right here with you the whole time. I promise. I love you."**

**Three hours later Carlisle heard noise coming from Grace's crib. He went over to her and picked her up. Grace breathed out one word but it was enough to make Carlisle's dead heart soar. Grace breathed out "Dada"**

**After that the monitors when off all at once telling him what he already knew. Grace was gone. End Flash back:**

_Caught up in your mystery as you breathe hope into me; how you won't break your stride with safety in your eyes. You carve out a different path that cancels out all expectations. You simply give them to nature. You paralyze defeat._

A soft knock on his study door brought him back to the present. He stood up and opened the door. Bella hesitantly came into the room "Carlisle I heard about what happened. I'm so sorry. You did the right thing don't blame yourself."

Carlisle sighed "You don't understand Bella. I almost bit her. I wanted to bite her. I've never wanted to change a human so much in my life. What kind of monster am I?"

Bella shook her head "You aren't a monster. You choose another way of living that's harder; you did so much more. You paved that way of life for others to follow. Edward looks up to you. You give him the strength to resist my blood even though it sings to him. He feels that if you can resist he can also. That means everything to him and more."

_Having seen both sides helps us to be wiser. Facing all the lies again reaching for the prize defined by someone higher; unafraid to use a different kind of truce, Do you know? Can you even see? Who you are exemplifies a miracle to me._

After Bella left Carlisle went to talk to Esme. He felt guilty for pushing her away. Esme was sitting on the couch trying to read but he could see the lines of worry creasing her perfect face. Quietly went over to her and whispered "Esme, thank you for what you said this afternoon. You and the others were right, what happened wasn't my fault. The important thing is that Grace knew that I loved her. I just can't believe she called me daddy."

Esme looked up into her husband's golden eyes and said "You were the person who took care of her. She knew that even though she was very small. Before she died she wanted to thank you for everything. I love you Carlisle and I always will."


End file.
